We have had a wonderful summer, but a couple of weeks ago, something happened that has changed our lives and our outlook.
This is also something, that I have had a hard time bringing myself to write about it...it was just a couple of days ago that I was able to sit down and write about it in my very own journal. It gave me severe anxiety and reliving the event isn't one I enjoy doing, for many, many reasons, of which you will see after you read about it...but as parents you are responsible to provide, protect and love your children. And to tell this story makes me vulnerable and shows to everyone that I failed in my responsibility to my child, I have to admit fault and then try to deal with the guilt that comes with that. But along with the bad...comes A LOT of good and so here I go....
A couple of weeks ago, we had to the opportunity to go to Lake Powell with Ty's parents, brothers and their families. Before leaving I was a little freaked out about taking Owen and having him on the house boat. We joked, but with all seriousness said Owen would be living in his life jacket the whole time we were there. Which he did....EXCEPT...for one instance...we were vigilant...vigilant in watching him, vigilant in keeping his life jacket on him. He was never out of our sight...never went without his jacket...EXCEPT...for Friday night, our last night there.
We had come in from boating, I had put Owen in his pajamas, we had just finished dinner and the boys had just come in from fishing, where they each were able to catch a fish, with Uncle Treavor's help. We were basking in their glory, snapping photos and enjoying the moment. Then everybody decided it was time to rinse off and bathe in the lake...Owen picked up his water gun and was standing by his bucket shooting everyone with water, like he had down all weekend....with one exception...we were STUPID and did not put his life jacket on him. The bucket was sitting in the opening of the gate, and the gate was not shut....stupid I know. I was sitting right by him...BUT...walked ten steps away to put the soap away that Tyler had just used. Everyone was on the back of the boat, Treavor was on the swim deck, Larry was standing behind him, Todd just on the other side. As I had my back turned...Owen slipped off the deck onto the swim deck, trying to catch himself, he slipped again and fell into the lake, under the swim deck. I heard everyone scream...and the commotion and turned around and ran to the side of boat...the image that haunts me daily is looking over the side of the boat and not seeing Owen...what seemed like an eternity was merely only seconds before Owen was being lifted out of the water...I reached down and yanked him out of the water, holding him tight, now both of us dripping with water. I remember as they brought him to the surface thinking to myself that there was brightness or a light around him, I thought for a moment how strange that was, as it was just about dusk...but didn't think more of that until later. Owen cried for just a moment, didn't throw up any water, wasn't even choking....a blessing that at the time I hadn't even considered. I was hysterical, I wouldn't let him go, I sat there in shock and cried...Owen kept sitting back and looking at me, like...what is wrong with you. We sat there for a moment and then I took him in and changed him, got him all situated watching a movie and had to leave the room. Ty and I went outside and lost it...sobbing in each others arms, we had almost lost our baby...by our own stupidity. I was blaming myself...Ty blaming himself, we were a mess. No matter what everyone was telling us, we had an intense amount of guilt. After trying to gain control of our emotions we went back inside to see Owen, being as cute as ever...not taking his eyes off the movie...shoveling little pieces of chips into his mouth. Ty and I sat there, watching him...ever grateful that he was okay...the cuter he was being...the more the tears flowed.
As we went to bed that night, Ty and I knelt in prayer, thanking our Heavenly Father for saving Owen that night, but also asking that we would be able to forgive ourselves and get over the guilt. It was a sweet prayer, a sweet moment between Ty and I, that I will never forget. Going to sleep that night was very difficult...everytime I closed my eyes I kept replaying that moment where I ran to the side of the boat and he wasn't there...and then my mind would wander to the what if's. I finally fell asleep only to be awakened by my sweet tearful Tate, who had also had a hard time sleeping, saying that everytime he closed his eyes that is all he could see as well. We talked for a moment, and told him that we were going through the same thing, he laid with us until he felt better and then was able to go back to sleep. The next morning, Owen woke up, still laying in his playpen, not knowing anyone was listening, said...in his sweet voice..."I'm okay, I'm okay, I fell in the water, but I'm okay", he will randomly drop on you occasionally...I fell in the water, or I fell off the boat, that is heart wrenching...he does remember it and he remembers how scary it was.
A Miracle....
Saturday night after we returned, we went to Todd's to pick up some ski's. It wasn't until then that we realized just how truely blessed we were. We got talking to Todd about what had happened...nothing was said afterwards, so this was the first time Ty and I heard about the details from people who had seen it happen. Todd then told us, that he was going to say it, but that was the only time he was going to tell the story. After Owen had fallen in, Todd dove in the water, certain he was going to be able to grab him ...he was right there. He went to swat at him and all that was there was water, he opened his eyes and it was black, you couldn't see anything, he started to wonder if they were going to be able to find him, he then opened up his eyes again and there in the water was glow or light illuminating around Owen's body so that he could see him and grab him, and lift him out of the water. That same glow or light that I had also seen as Owen was coming up out of the water. A miracle, angels...whatever you want to call it, my baby was saved by angels. Someone else was there that day watching out for my Owen, making it possible that he was seen, in an otherwise dark lake. Angels, angels my Heavenly Father had sent to light up the lake so that Owen could be seen and saved. Angels saved my baby, it was a true miracle. In one instance our lives could have been changed forever. Something else that I hadn't thought about that night, was the now scary fact that we were still on the buoy. The boats engines had not worked so we spent the weekend floating on the buoy in 250 feet of water. Instead of being on a beach somewhere in 15 to 20 feet or less of water. If they would not have grabbed Owen in those first few seconds, I know they never would have found him. It is not like we could have dove down to the bottom to find him...he would have been gone. A thought that makes me sick inside. We were seconds away from losing our baby. We received countless amounts of blessings that night.
Since that night, there hasn't been a day go by that it hasn't crossed my mind. The what if's and the guilt are a constant. Owen is a physical reminder of all that we have...but also all that we could have lost. I will admit, Owen, already pretty spoiled...probably is a lot more so now...whatever you want miracle child!!! We are just so grateful to be so blessed with the miracle of that night. We were seconds and miracles away from losing our baby...how stupid...HOW STUPID. I will never ever forget or forgive myself for being so careless. I will never forget the hand of the Lord in my life. Owen has a lot in store for him and I truely believe he was saved for a special mission in life and it is confirmed to me over and over again.. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of that awful moment, lucky for me I can then also think of the angels that saved my baby and lighted the way for those to save him. After being so close to the prospect of losing a child, I am not sure how someone ever gets over losing a child and losing a child in that way...but I am certainly grateful and feel very blessed that someone else was watching out for him and our little family that day and I don't have to find out.
This is also something, that I have had a hard time bringing myself to write about it...it was just a couple of days ago that I was able to sit down and write about it in my very own journal. It gave me severe anxiety and reliving the event isn't one I enjoy doing, for many, many reasons, of which you will see after you read about it...but as parents you are responsible to provide, protect and love your children. And to tell this story makes me vulnerable and shows to everyone that I failed in my responsibility to my child, I have to admit fault and then try to deal with the guilt that comes with that. But along with the bad...comes A LOT of good and so here I go....
A couple of weeks ago, we had to the opportunity to go to Lake Powell with Ty's parents, brothers and their families. Before leaving I was a little freaked out about taking Owen and having him on the house boat. We joked, but with all seriousness said Owen would be living in his life jacket the whole time we were there. Which he did....EXCEPT...for one instance...we were vigilant...vigilant in watching him, vigilant in keeping his life jacket on him. He was never out of our sight...never went without his jacket...EXCEPT...for Friday night, our last night there.
We had come in from boating, I had put Owen in his pajamas, we had just finished dinner and the boys had just come in from fishing, where they each were able to catch a fish, with Uncle Treavor's help. We were basking in their glory, snapping photos and enjoying the moment. Then everybody decided it was time to rinse off and bathe in the lake...Owen picked up his water gun and was standing by his bucket shooting everyone with water, like he had down all weekend....with one exception...we were STUPID and did not put his life jacket on him. The bucket was sitting in the opening of the gate, and the gate was not shut....stupid I know. I was sitting right by him...BUT...walked ten steps away to put the soap away that Tyler had just used. Everyone was on the back of the boat, Treavor was on the swim deck, Larry was standing behind him, Todd just on the other side. As I had my back turned...Owen slipped off the deck onto the swim deck, trying to catch himself, he slipped again and fell into the lake, under the swim deck. I heard everyone scream...and the commotion and turned around and ran to the side of boat...the image that haunts me daily is looking over the side of the boat and not seeing Owen...what seemed like an eternity was merely only seconds before Owen was being lifted out of the water...I reached down and yanked him out of the water, holding him tight, now both of us dripping with water. I remember as they brought him to the surface thinking to myself that there was brightness or a light around him, I thought for a moment how strange that was, as it was just about dusk...but didn't think more of that until later. Owen cried for just a moment, didn't throw up any water, wasn't even choking....a blessing that at the time I hadn't even considered. I was hysterical, I wouldn't let him go, I sat there in shock and cried...Owen kept sitting back and looking at me, like...what is wrong with you. We sat there for a moment and then I took him in and changed him, got him all situated watching a movie and had to leave the room. Ty and I went outside and lost it...sobbing in each others arms, we had almost lost our baby...by our own stupidity. I was blaming myself...Ty blaming himself, we were a mess. No matter what everyone was telling us, we had an intense amount of guilt. After trying to gain control of our emotions we went back inside to see Owen, being as cute as ever...not taking his eyes off the movie...shoveling little pieces of chips into his mouth. Ty and I sat there, watching him...ever grateful that he was okay...the cuter he was being...the more the tears flowed.
As we went to bed that night, Ty and I knelt in prayer, thanking our Heavenly Father for saving Owen that night, but also asking that we would be able to forgive ourselves and get over the guilt. It was a sweet prayer, a sweet moment between Ty and I, that I will never forget. Going to sleep that night was very difficult...everytime I closed my eyes I kept replaying that moment where I ran to the side of the boat and he wasn't there...and then my mind would wander to the what if's. I finally fell asleep only to be awakened by my sweet tearful Tate, who had also had a hard time sleeping, saying that everytime he closed his eyes that is all he could see as well. We talked for a moment, and told him that we were going through the same thing, he laid with us until he felt better and then was able to go back to sleep. The next morning, Owen woke up, still laying in his playpen, not knowing anyone was listening, said...in his sweet voice..."I'm okay, I'm okay, I fell in the water, but I'm okay", he will randomly drop on you occasionally...I fell in the water, or I fell off the boat, that is heart wrenching...he does remember it and he remembers how scary it was.
A Miracle....
Saturday night after we returned, we went to Todd's to pick up some ski's. It wasn't until then that we realized just how truely blessed we were. We got talking to Todd about what had happened...nothing was said afterwards, so this was the first time Ty and I heard about the details from people who had seen it happen. Todd then told us, that he was going to say it, but that was the only time he was going to tell the story. After Owen had fallen in, Todd dove in the water, certain he was going to be able to grab him ...he was right there. He went to swat at him and all that was there was water, he opened his eyes and it was black, you couldn't see anything, he started to wonder if they were going to be able to find him, he then opened up his eyes again and there in the water was glow or light illuminating around Owen's body so that he could see him and grab him, and lift him out of the water. That same glow or light that I had also seen as Owen was coming up out of the water. A miracle, angels...whatever you want to call it, my baby was saved by angels. Someone else was there that day watching out for my Owen, making it possible that he was seen, in an otherwise dark lake. Angels, angels my Heavenly Father had sent to light up the lake so that Owen could be seen and saved. Angels saved my baby, it was a true miracle. In one instance our lives could have been changed forever. Something else that I hadn't thought about that night, was the now scary fact that we were still on the buoy. The boats engines had not worked so we spent the weekend floating on the buoy in 250 feet of water. Instead of being on a beach somewhere in 15 to 20 feet or less of water. If they would not have grabbed Owen in those first few seconds, I know they never would have found him. It is not like we could have dove down to the bottom to find him...he would have been gone. A thought that makes me sick inside. We were seconds away from losing our baby. We received countless amounts of blessings that night.
Since that night, there hasn't been a day go by that it hasn't crossed my mind. The what if's and the guilt are a constant. Owen is a physical reminder of all that we have...but also all that we could have lost. I will admit, Owen, already pretty spoiled...probably is a lot more so now...whatever you want miracle child!!! We are just so grateful to be so blessed with the miracle of that night. We were seconds and miracles away from losing our baby...how stupid...HOW STUPID. I will never ever forget or forgive myself for being so careless. I will never forget the hand of the Lord in my life. Owen has a lot in store for him and I truely believe he was saved for a special mission in life and it is confirmed to me over and over again.. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of that awful moment, lucky for me I can then also think of the angels that saved my baby and lighted the way for those to save him. After being so close to the prospect of losing a child, I am not sure how someone ever gets over losing a child and losing a child in that way...but I am certainly grateful and feel very blessed that someone else was watching out for him and our little family that day and I don't have to find out.
